A Re-Education

On needing to get a GED at (almost) 37-years-old

It begins with a smol rant. Then perhaps an untidy collection of musings, and finally, a bit of reminding myself that good things happen too.

To explain as much context for you as possible without going down the long rabbit trail of why I’m here, I’ll say this: If you feel you must home school your kids (please don’t—though I’ll admit there are cases it can really be of benefit to the kid, but that is rare), please please please file all the proper paperwork, give your children copies and ensure they will be able to attend college and vocational schools with the documentation you can legally acquire (and don’t forget to socialize them, thanks).

I don’t want to spiral talking about the particular circumstances that led to me not having access to my own high school diploma (or even if it would accepted at the institution of my preference at all). Yes, I graduated, no it was not from an accredited school. I want to return to school, and to do that, I need a piece of paper that says I can.

Now that’s out of the way, I do want to talk about the things I’ve learned being in this situation and the hope I have for this next phase. (Despite the terror of the many emotional triggers lying in wait in the minefield that is mathematics.)

I've spent a lot of my life fearful of mistakes, of worrying that if I failed, life as I knew it would end, and violently. I still carry some of those fears with me, but with a LOT of work, that controls me a lot less than it used to. And it is WORK facing those fears head on and challenging myself to do the very things that scare me: standing up for myself, standing up for those I love, stating what I believe in, setting boundaries (especially with those I love), making mistakes, etc.

The more I think about it really, the death of the life before provides fertilizer from it’s carcass for the new life. Sprouting from it’s ashes so to speak…

I knew years ago that I probably would have to get my GED. For myriad reasons, I didn’t follow through. I didn’t need it yet, I could get by without it, I didn’t know what I wanted to be when I grew up anyway, it would be embarrassing to admit I needed it (can’t have people *gestures vaguely to the general population that has more important things to worry about* thinking I’m uneducated)…

Photo by Deleece Cook on Unsplash

I have a few regrets about not getting to this sooner, but mostly, I’m glad I’m doing it now because I know now that I can do it.

I have re-educated myself before. My therapist called it re-parenting (still doing some of that). The books I read called it deconstruction, wholehearted living, and shame-resilience. The articles I perused called it self-awareness, being present and informed, and fighting willful ignorance of abuse and injustice.

I’ve burned away many things I thought I believed in, and taught myself how to trust myself (especially when it pertains to not trusting authority), and how to trust what I do believe in. All of it requires more education. And I don’t necessarily mean the gate-keeping type that exists amongst elitists and only places of “higher learning.” Sure, you can learn a lot from those places. I am by no means disparaging traditional higher education. I simply am referring to the type that requires reading things that challenge the way we speak and think and ask questions. The stuff that gets to the root of how we want to show up in life.

I have re-educated myself before, and I can sure as hell do it some more.

So many things are uncertain right now. The fears that surround are dark and threaten worse to come. But there are things I can and will continue to do. (Might I recommend my friend Kate’s Incomplete list of what is and what isn’t resistance in these dark times.)

One of my current acts of resistance is to get my GED. To have this part of my future in my own hands. To not be trapped in worry about if I’ll even be able to attend a school or not.

I am immensely grateful for the privilege that I can look forward to the education I want, and to be proud of how far I’ve worked to get here. I’m excited to know that the career shaped things I want to pour myself into (both writing and the one I intend to go to school for in the fall) are things that will help others in the best ways I know how.

I trust that the way through is together. Re-educating ourselves about what we know is more than just going back to school, but for me, it’s a good place to carry on. Because, when you think about it, does re-education ever really stop?